I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"

I love this song, it was one of our songs we sung at camp this summer and it really spoke to me.

camp this summer has been CRAZY.  i am covered in poison ivy from my backpacking trip through part of the appalachean trail with 12 crazy teenagers.  beautiful scenery.  lots of discord.  it is interesting getting to know so many different people this summer.  patterns of emotions seem cyclical.  being relaxed, to building up tension, getting angry then getting over it and feel good and relaxed and then it continually goes on.  this is the longest i have been away from home almost  weeks, but not too bad, i just miss some friends and family but am busy all day everyday. 

the pages scroll fast in a swirl.

home is too strangly the same.  the same people doing the same things.  they feel as if nothing has changed, yet it has all changed.  it is used to me not being there.  

the buzzing of life is everywhere, nothing feels real. 

I hope this old train breaks down
then I could take a walk around
and, see what there is to see
and time is just a melody
all the people in the street
walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roam through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame im looking through
seems to have no concern for me now
so for now

I need this here
old train to breakdown
oh please just
let me please breakdown

This engine screams out loud
Sayin the beat gunna crawl westbound
so I dont even make a sound
cause its gunna sting me when I leave this town
All the people in the street
that i'll never get to meet
if these dont bend somehow
and I got no time
that I got to get to
where I dont need to be
So I

I need this here
old train to breakdown
oh please just
let me please breakdown
I need this here
old train to breakdown
oh please just
let me please breakdown
I wanna break on down
but I cant stop now
let me break on down

But you cant stop nothing
if you got no control
of the thoughts in your mind
that you kept in, you know
you dont know nothing
but you dont need to know
the wisdoms in the trees
not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing
If you dont let go
But things that you find
and you lose, and you know
you keep on rolling
put the moment on hold
the frames too bright
so put the blinds down low

I need this here
old train to breakdown
oh please just
let me please breakdown
I need this here
old train to breakdown
oh please just
let me please breakdown
I wanna break on down
but I cant stop now

Jack Johnson, "Breakdown"

feel the sad.

feel the mad.

feel the good.

feel the cold.

feel what is around you.

do not bend to the emotion.

do not let it control you, control it.

if you do, you will get stuck.

learn from it about yourself.

hon·or
–noun 
1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family.
3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.
4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.
5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.
6. the privilege of being associated with or receiving a favor from a respected person, group, organization, etc.: to have the honor of serving on a prize jury; I have the honor of introducing this evening's speaker.
7. Usually, honors. evidence, as a special ceremony, decoration, scroll, or title, of high rank, dignity, or distinction: political honors; military honors.
8. (initial capital letter) a deferential title of respect, esp. for judges and mayors (prec. by His, Her, Your, etc.). 

what makes honorable people better than everyone else?  i like the first definition, but the rest place the person above everyone else.

every wed. in art, we bring in a picture by an artist. someone brought in these pictures by sally mann





we had a discussion about them. one girl thought they were wrong because of the nudity. and another because they are children, so they are not really aware of what they are doing. yet other people just thought it was art. one guy was talking about how he used to live in england and how much more accepted nudity and sex were publicly like in the newspapers and such. these girls are about imitation. imatation those they look up too. i think even as you get older, you are still imitating others, barbie's, magazines, pop stars, peers. to me these pictures are almost just as wrong when it's older people dressing and posing like this. when older people dress like this, it's more accepted because it is more widely spread, but if it wasn't then it wouldn't be as accepted. they are all lost and seeking attention and fitting in, some without being aware of what they are doing to themselves. the older you get as your growing up, the more you imitate others, the less you listen to yourself. i like that the artist presenting us with this. just to make you think. we do not question things enough, what is going on around us, in society.
what do you think?

my dream world would be where we could all share.  there would be no need for money or even trading because everyone would give and share what they didn't need, and people would take only what they need.  nothing would really belong to anyone because it doesn't really, we just have titles and people that say it does.  then if people got sick they could get free health care, whereas today when poor people get sick, a lot of them die or suffer because they can't afford help.  today, everything is measured by money.  it's like, hmmmm does this job pay enough for my time.  we never do jobs just to help people without pay because this is a capitalist society.  everything is a done just for a reward, not just to do it because it needs to be done.  it makes us lazy because we need rewards for everything we do.  allowance, attention from your parents when you are younger,  dogs get a treat/food snack, college to get a job, good grades to get money from parents, volunteer work for service hours for scholarships or job or school, eating for pleasure, not for health, relationships just for the feeling they give you, and so on.  we don't do things just to do things because that is not how we were raised.  i think that is why people have such a hard time enjoying the simple things in life just to do them.  like going for  a walk to walk.  i guess it's also because we are rarely fully concious of what we are doing.  our minds are always so preoccupied with the past and future, what we have to do, drama yada yada and we don't fully appreciate everything.  we don't realize how when you are fully concentrated on things rather than always being on the phone than maybe we could.  meditation really helps me to appreciate things more, i've been so busy i rarely have had time this semester though(laugh).  i like this quote: "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-Shakyamuni Buddha

went home for the weekend.  it was good and bad. lots of family fights.  i went on a date with this guy i met at a new's year's eve party.  he was cool, but he talks too much about nothing.  he told me to call him when i'm in town next, but i don't really want to lead him on....  i saw chip at the drum circle and made me very happy.  he is the happiest person i know.  sometimes my emotions make me feel crazy.  like i'll be happy sad happy sad in a matter of seconds, it's weird.  i can't control them.  i wish i got to see him more.  there's a backpacking trip in venture out that sounds fun in a couple of weeks.  now i need to attempt at homework..